Ever since some chump interfered with a pangolin in Wuhan, people have been learning to deal with isolation with varying degrees of success, depending on their mental fortitude, calibre of housemates and general level of fuckwittery. Many find themselves gracelessly shuttling between all isolation states, to the immense frustration of everyone they encounter. Here are just a few you may have the misfortune to meet:
The ultimate game of ‘Would You Rather’, the looming general election is about as welcome as finding Prince Andrew in a TopShop changing room or Ant ‘n’ Dec handing you a plate of hoop shaped snacks.
Inveterate liar, turbo-shagger and weapons-grade buffoon Boris Johnson is said to be in a state of panic after repeated attempts to throw the election by demonstrating his utter unsuitably for high office failed.
Gerbils, Pop Tarts and Ecstasy: The Trashy’s guide to Brexit stockpiling will see you through the Age of Stupid
Google knows what you did last summer, why you did it and who you did it with.
Shameless narcissists still running world’s most powerful country
Legions of fuckwits have willingly installed the insidious tools of would-be despots into their homes, The Trashy has found.
Brexiteers jubilant over deal to export sleighs to Narnia in return for importing animal ornaments and Turkish Delight
Flatpack king’s final wish was to be minced into meatballs and buried in a Sneürg
Vladimir Putin had Melania made from melted down Barbies and state-of-the-art spyware and has been using her to control The Donald since 1998
Awks! Turns out you’ve been wearing your diamond hat wrong all these years
Penurious snowflakes had enough of this shit, decide to eat old people and kick start housing market
Where’s the fun in that? Asks Barrington Quimsby-Naife, MP for Crutton-on-the-Hoof
Chirpy pocket survivalist Bear Grylls is in critical condition after attempting to endure a a night out in Hull
Multi-Coloured Swap Shop star wheeled out of retirement to play Brexit hard ball and get best deal for Britain
Humanity hits record-breaking levels of bone-headedness
‘I coulda been a contender’ muttered Alison Thripp from the cereals aisle in Sainsburys, ‘I coulda been somebody’.
Thinking, breathing, homeostasis? There’s an app for that.
Human bladder struggles to store 20 fluid ounces of milky coffee, woman finds.