A rock and a shit place: Trashy’s guide to the general election

The ultimate game of Would You Rather, the looming general election is about as welcome as finding Prince Andrew in a TopShop changing room or Ant ‘n’ Dec handing you a plate of hoop shaped snacks.

Much like the choice between being sodomised by Thanos or being flayed alive, there is no decent viable option. No one is offering cake or death – the options are only death or a more horrible death.

To help you pick through this minefield (although every inch of the ground is mined so you’re doomed anyway), The Trashy has compiled a guide to the main three parties – a shittier shower of shite you are unlikely to find.

Putin’s Patsies: The Conservative Party of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

An over-privileged, journalist-lynching, bastard-siring, perma-lying masturbatory buffoon educated far beyond his intellect, Boris Johnson is the Tory Party incarnate. Leading a team you wouldn’t trust to look after the school hamster, Johnson and his daemon Cummings have decided that the populous is so credulous that they can be convinced that the Conservative’s weren’t in power for the last nine years and that flogging the NHS is good for their health.

Flagship policies: Poor people deserve it. A Labour government would eat your children. Foreigners want to take your jobs and rape your pets. Get Brexit done. Offshoring wealth. A raft of hugely generous public spending pledges that will be immediately rescinded on 13 December.

Vote for them if you think anything that promotes equality of opportunity is going to remove your privilege in such as way that you must face up to your true value. Would you really be where you are now if you started with nothing? Vote for them to keep widening the gap between rich and poor until you find yourself on the wrong side of the divide. Vote for them to make sure others do not get the leg-ups you had, so you can continue to enjoy your superiority until the revolution comes when you will be first against the wall. Vote for them if you like the idea of being the meat in Trump-Putin spit-roast.

Don’t vote for them if you’re poor, sick or Muslim. Don’t vote for them if you’re not a Russian oligarch, a billionaire, a multi-millionaire or one of their lackeys, or Montgomery Burns. Don’t vote for them if you’re a decent human being.

Citizens Smith: The Labour Party

Led by a husk of man whose whispered fury fails to register on the most sensitive decibel meter, Jeremy Corbyn has been found wanting in the face of an open goal the size of Rees-Mogg’s disdain for the great unwashed. Insufficiently corporeal, Corbyn is ignored by automatic doors and voters alike. Appealing only to millennials furious at their forced disenfranchisement and the remaining 12 people who do not despise their fellow man, the Labour Party has lurched so far left that even armchair socialists have got into their Range Rovers and fled.

Flagship policies: Well funded schools and health service paid for by higher taxes for the wealthy and for business. Brexit schmexit. Slippers for all. Publicly funded hair nets.

Vote for them if you think ferrets make good pets. Vote for them if you’d like to teach the world to sing. Vote for them if allotments give you the horn.

Don’t vote for them if you dream of living in a gated community manned by security guards. Don’t vote for them if your self worth is based on status and material acquisitions. Don’t vote for them if you’re secretly thrilled by the uptick in modern slavery.

Protest vote: The Liberal Democrats

Fronted by Jo Swinson with ruddy cheeked supply teacher gusto, the Lib Dems are experiencing their first resurgence since the heady days of Cleggmania. The natural home for voters disgusted by the Tories but too wet to vote Labour, Lib Dem supporters have convinced themselves there are market-based solutions to poverty. ‘None of the above’ made flesh, the party offers sanctuary to the lost, the witless and to those who profess to want change but who are unwilling to experience any whatsoever.

Flagship policies: Preserving the status quo. Rationing fun. Remain. Chunky bobs.

Vote for them if you want to wake up on 13 December to discover the last three years were all a terrible dream.

Don’t vote for them if you want to wake up on 13 December to discover the country’s embroiled in a bloody civil war.

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