10 genuinely scary Halloween costumes

Resist the urge to dress up as a not-very-sexy-if-you’re-honest-with-yourself cat/witch/zombie this Halloween and go as something that will really put the willies up your neighbours (without actually putting willies up your neighbours)

  1. Brexiteer: Staple a slice of gammon to your face and wrap yourself in a Union Jack. Become a stranger to logic and bark geographically inaccurate slurs at anyone with an accent. Maintain a toddler-like level of fury that can only be sustained by the frustration that comes with being unable to articulate your position. Speak in 3 word soundbites: Get Brexit Done / Take Back Control / Go Back Home etc. Masturbate to Ann Widdecombe.
  2. Pennywise: The biscuits, not the clown. Nothing screams nihilism like a packet of Garibaldis.
  3. Unattended package: Squeeze yourself into a sports holdall or rucksack and wait patiently at a train station or shopping mall for an impressive reaction. Don’t wait too long though, you don’t want this one backfiring.
  4. Sightseeing Russian: Wear unconvincing casual wear and speak loudly in heavily accented English about how Salisbury Cathedral’s single brown spire puts St Basil’s multi-coloured domes in the shade. Carry a bottle of Premier Jour by Nina Ricci.
  5. Google algorithm: Choose a friend to persecute and turn up wherever they go, urging them to buy useless tat that they’ve already purchased. If they go to the kitchen, pop out of a cupboard and sell them the delights of a Nutribullet or Spam. If they go to the toilet, hide in the cistern and give them your best Anusol pitch.
  6. Dominic Cummings: To perfect the Lord of the Spin look, simply buy a Gollum outfit and add a navy gilet. Then burn with the rage of 10,000 spurned lovers and attempt to bend the will of a nation to those of your shadowy multi-millionaire backers.
  7. Mark Zuckerberg: Avoid sunshine and red meat for 12 months, shave yourself a ludicrously high hairline, oil your face and go crazy with the Botox. Then nab all your acquaintances secrets and flog them to anyone who’ll pay for them.
  8. Tony Hart: No allegations have been made, but the man was in children’s TV in the ’70s and ’80s and lorded it over tiny naked people with speech impediments. Just saying.
  9. Rampant antimicrobial resistance: Cover yourself in pustulating buboes and cough up lemon curd. Might as well get some practice in.
  10. Simon Cowell’s face: Partially deflate football. Paint pink. Add brillo pad and disgust.  Over-inflate ego. Impart unwanted pound-shop advice.

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