Resist the urge to dress up as a not-very-sexy-if-you’re-honest-with-yourself cat/witch/zombie this Halloween and go as something that will really put the willies up your neighbours (without actually putting willies up your neighbours)
- Brexiteer: Staple a slice of gammon to your face and wrap yourself in a Union Jack. Become a stranger to logic and bark geographically inaccurate slurs at anyone with an accent. Maintain a toddler-like level of fury that can only be sustained by the frustration that comes with being unable to articulate your position. Speak in 3 word soundbites: Get Brexit Done / Take Back Control / Go Back Home etc. Masturbate to Ann Widdecombe.
- Pennywise: The biscuits, not the clown. Nothing screams nihilism like a packet of Garibaldis.
- Unattended package: Squeeze yourself into a sports holdall or rucksack and wait patiently at a train station or shopping mall for an impressive reaction. Don’t wait too long though, you don’t want this one backfiring.
- Sightseeing Russian: Wear unconvincing casual wear and speak loudly in heavily accented English about how Salisbury Cathedral’s single brown spire puts St Basil’s multi-coloured domes in the shade. Carry a bottle of Premier Jour by Nina Ricci.
- Google algorithm: Choose a friend to persecute and turn up wherever they go, urging them to buy useless tat that they’ve already purchased. If they go to the kitchen, pop out of a cupboard and sell them the delights of a Nutribullet or Spam. If they go to the toilet, hide in the cistern and give them your best Anusol pitch.
- Dominic Cummings: To perfect the Lord of the Spin look, simply buy a Gollum outfit and add a navy gilet. Then burn with the rage of 10,000 spurned lovers and attempt to bend the will of a nation to those of your shadowy multi-millionaire backers.
- Mark Zuckerberg: Avoid sunshine and red meat for 12 months, shave yourself a ludicrously high hairline, oil your face and go crazy with the Botox. Then nab all your acquaintances secrets and flog them to anyone who’ll pay for them.
- Tony Hart: No allegations have been made, but the man was in children’s TV in the ’70s and ’80s and lorded it over tiny naked people with speech impediments. Just saying.
- Rampant antimicrobial resistance: Cover yourself in pustulating buboes and cough up lemon curd. Might as well get some practice in.
- Simon Cowell’s face: Partially deflate football. Paint pink. Add brillo pad and disgust. Over-inflate ego. Impart unwanted pound-shop advice.
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