Inveterate liar, turbo-shagger and weapons-grade buffoon Boris Johnson is said to be in a state of panic after repeated attempts to throw the leadership election by demonstrating his utter unsuitably for high office failed.
His latest attempt, scoffing an orphan live in front of the world’s media while swinging naked and ape-like from the Elizabeth Tower, provoked weary outrage from 12 people on Twitter but was otherwise met with roars of bravo from the Tory party faithful.
A source close to Johnson said the former foreign secretary had only entered the leadership race “for larks” and to “wipe the smug pucker off Gove’s fizzog”. But on emerging the favourite, Johnson balked at the idea of having to deliver Brexit and has since tried everything in his power to trash his own – already pretty dire – reputation.
“Bloody plebs can’t get enough of me,” he complained to The Trashy, orphan giblets clinging to his lips. “Why can’t they see we’re going to fuck what’s left of them into the ground? After years of austerity I pledged to CUT TAXES FOR THE RICH and still I’m the favourite! Schools, hospitals and councils are going bust! Snowflakes will have to build igloos to live in because they’ll never afford a house. One can only conclude that they’re fucking pond life and they don’t deserve the spaff from my table.”
Resigned to becoming the UK’s next – and last – Prime Minister, Johnson has taken to suckling on walking embolism Steve Bannon’s teets, shitting on paupers and having journalists beaten up to pass the time.
Backbench anachronism and walking advert for the need for chemical castration, Jacob Rees Mogg, is said to have already ordered 43 yards of white cotton and a legion of impoverished seamstresses to begin work on Johnson’s Grand High Wizard robes.