In times of crisis, optimists debate, thugs take up arms, and the rest of us stockpile. Here’s what to hoard to get you through the Age of Stupid:
Pop Tarts: Barely food, this nutrition-free breakfast for paupers defies the laws of nature and will not degrade. Pop Tarts and cockroaches will inherit the Earth and they will probably survive the heat death of the universe too.
Ecstasy: Pretty much the only thing that will keep your pecker up while you’re sifting through rubbish tips looking for scrap metal to make weapons with.
Vodka: Its multiple benefits as a disinfectant and a brain anaesthetic make this wonder liquid a must-have stockpile item. Brexit won’t seem so bad when your brain’s disabled – just look at how happy Farage is.
Cheese Strings: (Indestructible, see Pop Tarts.)
Gerbils: These pocket-sized protein lozenges will come in handy when you’ve eaten your dogs and grandparents.
Mace(s): Both the self-defence spray and the medieval cudgel. You’ll need to protect yourself from the baying mobs roaming the streets at night. It’ll be bloody and probably a bit rapey out there.
Trousers: Good for keeping your legs warm while maintaining maximum manoeuvrability.
Hansard: So you can identify each politician that failed you, find them and wreak your sweet revenge. Also good bedtime reading for the kids – it makes for a better cautionary tale than any of Grimms’ fairy stories.
Lipstick: Nothing says ‘apocalypse chic’ like a pop of coral lippy.
Vanity products: Everything from hair dye and hair remover to Botox and fillers. If these babies run out half the population will look like extras from Cocoon within six months. You might be hunting rats for lunch but you don’t have to do it looking like shit.
Ferries: It appears they’re in short supply already.
Videos of Gogglebox and Love Island: So you can remind yourself, while huddled around a flaming bin for warmth, that as a society you probably deserved this.