Trashy’s Alternative Reviews: the classics, part one

Being the undisputed arbiter of good taste, The Trashy has decided it’s time to burst the smug bubble surrounding ‘great literature’, piss on the bonfire of accepted wisdom and review the classics like what they oughtta.

Emma, Jane Austen

Smug busybody with zero self awareness and cock-all to fill her time makes like Tindr and screws up everyone’s lives in the process. Gets comeuppance by entering into marriage with uber-repressed berk in tight britches, neither will ever achieve orgasm.

Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Typical student spunks all his cash away, pawns belongings, hooks up with whore, murders old lady with spade. You could read it or go to Northumbria ‘University’ and experience it every Friday night instead.

Madame Bovary, Gustave Flaubert

Bored housewife stares out of window a lot, gets the horn, has affair. As with most nineteenth century novels in which a ‘wayward’ woman refuses to conform to patriarchal rules, she is shamed (see Anna Karenina, Becky Sharp) and tops herself. Hilarious.

The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck

Sunshine State-hating Steinbeck spends 600 pages telling you you’d be better off eating rats and slowly starving to death in an Oklahoma-sized dustbowl than visiting California. Catty. Fun fact: The Trashy believes The Grapes of Wrath to be the first time ‘Bitty’ – as popularised by David Walliams – appears in literary fiction.

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