Exotic family holiday sucks ass

Tropical hospitals and sweaty chemists not much fun at all, find parents

Parents who thought they could take their children to far flung destinations to relive the exotic holidays of their youth were swiftly disabused of the notion yesterday.

Mr and Mrs Vabster from Highbury, hoping for high adventure in Vietnam, found that dragging their three hot, irritable children from Ho Chi Minh to Hanoi did not amount to any fun at all.

To their surprise, none of the children took any interest in the Buddhist, Confucian or Taoist rituals, they were not awed by the Mekong and did not get Mr Vabster’s references to Apocalypse Now.

Nor did the children enjoy “hanging out with the backpackers in Pham Ngu Lao”, a trip which ended in one rabies shot and several bouts of remarkably violent diarrhoea.

Three days later and a hundred kilos lighter, the Vabsters managed to prise their spawn away from their arctic hotel rooms and red hot screens to visit some temples and take a trip around Ha Long Bay in the searing 50 degree heat.

But in between sites the Valsters experienced a range of mishaps that began with 50% Deet being applied point-blank to their toddler’s eyeball, third degree sunburn requiring a short hospital stay, 63 mosquito bites and an as yet unidentified tropical disease.

“I remember it being better last time,” said Mr Vabster, applying calamine lotion to his daughter’s hives before dressing his toddler’s shark bite. “Me too,” said Mrs Vabster, bleaching her son’s underpants, “but things can only get…”. The Trashy was unable to discern the rest of Mrs Vabster’s comment as it was drowned out by a tsunami warning siren.

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