Flatpack king’s final wish was to be minced into meatballs and buried in a Sneürg
Ingvar Kamprad, Ikea founder and ruiner of Sundays, died today aged 91.
Kamprad’s final wish was to be minced into meatballs and buried in a flat-packed Sneürg.
Honouring these wishes delayed Kamprad’s funeral by seven hours as the pallbearers, tasked with assembling the Sneürg, found a piece missing and had to travel to Croydon, Wembley and finally Coventry before locating the troublesome Clünge.
On completing the Sneürg the pallbearers realised they had assembled the coffin inside out and so had to undertake the fiendishly complex task of taking it apart.
One pallbearer, Alan Quay, completely losing his shit on spending 45 minutes trying to remove a tiny wooden peg, punched his fellow pallbearer full in the face for trying to offer advice.
With the Sneürg reassembled on the sixteenth try, Kamprad was finally poured out of the Flunff into the Sneürg and the funeral resumed, although most guests were late as they got lost in the long, circuitous, one-way route to the graveside.
After the service, the guests found they had to fork out £75 for transit vans to take home the eighteen Knipsas, twelve Romskogs and set of pink Schlongs they had unwittingly acquired.