EXCLUSIVE: Melania Trump is Russian spybot

Vladimir Putin had Melania made from melted down Barbies and state-of-the-art spyware and has been using her to control The Donald since 1998

Melania Trump is fifty kilos of melted Barbie bristling with Russian spyware, The Trashy can reveal.

Throbbing bear-wrestler Vladimir Putin had Melania designed in Moscow and shipped to New York in 1998 to exploit the many weaknesses he had observed in tiny-mouthed tycoon Donald Trump.

Since Trump took the bait, Melania has provided Putin with valuable business and political intelligence and was pivotal in stoking the tangerine narcissist’s leadership ambitions.

Fluent in Slovene, English, French, Serbian and German, the spybot rarely speaks in public for fear of revealing its extensive intellectual capabilities and blowing its cover.

But recently Melania has begun to malfunction as a result of unexpected sexual intrusions that not even the aggressively heterosexual Putin had foreseen.

Trump’s penchant for watersports have shorted the spybot’s circuits resulting in her powering down at inopportune moments, something that has been misinterpreted by the world’s media as Slav coolness or discomfort with the First Lady role.

The Trashy can now reveal that Putin used last year’s G20 meeting in Hamburg to upgrade Melania’s software and retighten her overused orifices to ensure she remains appealing to Trump. Putin has yet to complete his mission of getting the President to pull the US out of NATO, leaving Russia free to invade westwards with relative impunity.

The Melania spybot is not Putin’s first attempt at high level robotic espionage. His prototype, the Cherie Blairbot, quickly went haywire. The Samantha Cameronbot was better and helped smooth a path towards Brexit and the UK’s eventual demise, but the Hilary Clintonbot got ideas above its station and became problematic. The Maybot is a work in progress.

The Trashy’s investigation is ongoing. It is now following up an anonymous tip that Putin assassinated the original Trump shortly after the election and replaced him with a fire-damaged Dolph Lundgren Spitting Image puppet worked by Matthew Corbett of Sooty and Sweep fame, real name Mikhail Korbetsky.

The Trashy approached Sooty and Sweep for comment but Sooty remained silent and Sweep declined to squeal.

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