Crushing bores forego alcohol and ruin already very shitty January
Hordes of smug dullards are forgoing alcohol and ruining what is already a very crappy January for perfectly nice, normal people.
Those partaking in the tedious ‘Dry January’ movement can be heard to say, “I feel amazing, I’ve got so much energy!” while unwittingly boring the tits off everyone around them.
Not content to abstain in the privacy of their own homes, they insist on turning up in pubs and at parties bringing their unwanted sobriety and muted personalities with them.
“Get them away from me,” slurred Lorraine Atherton from Sheffield as she urinated in the gutter outside Wetherspoons, “I don’t like hanging out with people who’ll remember what I did the night before”.
Suicides rates peak in January with experts previously blaming the vile weather, vicious flu and post-Christmas penury, but new research has revealed the overwhelming driving factor to be spending an evening with Dry Januaryers, Juice Cleansers and Nutri-Bulleters.
Public health officials have issued a warning to the public not to approach anyone with a health related new year’s resolution until at least February, when they will fallen off the wagon into a giant vat of wine and rediscovered their booze-fuelled personalities.