How not to flunk a smear test

Feet together, knees apart, RELAX! Everyone loves a smear test but there’s an etiquette you need to follow if you want to avoid scarring the nurse for life…

  • Do not indulge in too much topiary as nothing says ‘fancy a shag?’ like a freshly waxed foof. This will strike the fear of god into the nurse and it is in your interest that she is calm and has a steady hand.
  • Do not wear your best silk underwear or anything with leather straps or peek-a-boo holes for the same reason.
  • Do undertake a little lady gardening so the nurse has a slim chance of finding the entrance without having to use shears and goggles. She should not have to wrestle with an angry Yorkshire Terrier to complete her task.
  • Do not whip off all your pubes unless you think the nurse is keen on fresh roadkill.
  • Do have a shower beforehand but do not overdo the talc unless you want the nurse to be presented with a baby yeti in a snowstorm.
  • Never arrive with a glass of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other. This is not  social engagement.
  • Remember to only remove clothes from your bottom half. The nurse does not need to see you naked and splayed like a spatchcocked chicken.
  • Do not lie on your front with your bum in the air. This is incorrect.
  • Do resist the compulsion to apologise for your lady bits. She chose the job, after all.
  • Do not make jokes about this being the most fun you have had since you split up with your partner.
  • Never wink at the nurse. In fact, do not look the nurse directly in the eye as she rams the giant silver dirigible into you. It is preferable to leave the session without knowing what the nurse looks like, you do not want to bump into her over the gammon section in Sainsbury’s.
  • Never offend the nurse or criticise her methods, however brutal. You are extremely vulnerable.
  • Do not try to take a selfie, with or without a selfie stick.
  • Do not make jokes about the nurse being a professional muff diver.
  • Do try to relax so the nurse does not have to use a camping mallet to get the equipment in.
  • Do not arrive pre-lubed unless you want the nurse to lose her arm to your vulva.
  • Similarly, do not relax too much or the session will end up like the closing scenes of Jaws.
  • Do stare at the wall and talk incessantly about the weather, pretending that this stranger is not about to club you in the nether regions with a lead piping.
  • Do not panic as the nurse scrapes around your insides like she’s trying to get the last bit of fruit from the bottom of an ice cream sundae. Any flinching may result in you knocking the nurse out with your pubis.
  • Do not break wind, this is poor etiquette. If you feel the need to fart you must practice the fiendishly complex art of relaxing your vulva while tensing your rectum.
  • Do not be surprised if your voice starts to sound like Mickey Mouse during the scraping, but try not to tense up too much or the nurse will have to put her feet on your inner thighs to achieve the leverage needed to remove the instruments.
  • Do not light a cigarette and fall asleep as soon as she has finished.
  • Do dry yourself as best you can with the scratchy blue paper towels, it is not pleasant to leave a slug-like trail of lube behind you on walk of shame home.
  • Do make another appointment.

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