Queen issues life-saving crown wearing advice

Awks! Turns out you’ve been wearing your diamond hat wrong all these years

The Queen has proven she has not lost touch with her subjects by issuing some timely crown wearing advice.

With the royal finger firmly planted on on the pulse of the nation, the monarch cautioned that it is folly to “look down” while wearing a diamond hat because you run the risk of “snapping one’s fucking neck like a Twiglet”.

A nation of crown-wearing shoe-gazers felt very silly indeed.

Brian Sands from Cleethorpes, who had been wearing his emerald and ruby titfer at a rakish angle for the last thirty years, said he was so embarrassed that he dare not leave the house.

“I feel like a right plonker,” he explained. “It’s worse than the time I took the gold carriage to Morrisons pulled by four horses instead of six. I’ve never lived it down.”

The Queen, warming to her new role as sartorial advisor, went on to advise against ermine knickers which can “leave one picking fur out of one’s minge for many days hence” and recommended using footmen to hold up the royal boobies rather than bras which “are rather less able to make one a gin when one requires one”.  

Revealing Germanic tendencies, the Queen said she also likes to slide Frankfurters into the deep curls that have flanked the side of the royal face for the last eighty years. “Bloody handy when one’s peckish from a hard day’s waving at plebs.”

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