You know you’re a parent when…

Not sure whether you’re a primary caregiver? There are a few tell-tale signs.

You know you’re a parent when you think it’s acceptable to:

  • Eat biscuits with your face in the cupboard so your children don’t see
  • Have a bath while another human being defecates in the room
  • Repeat mundane instructions ad infinitum while being roundly ignored
  • Live in a sea of too-small shoes
  • De-louse and de-verruca another human being without screaming or throwing up
  • Spend three hours on the toilet, risking hemorrhoids, in a bid to be alone
  • Participate in elaborate international conspiracies about bearded men entering the house at night
  • Remove stringy snot from another human being’s nose
  • Park your own life aspirations for 18 years
  • Tear your hair out over coat-buttoning (or lack thereof) every day for six months of every year
  • Spend the GDP of Guatemala on childcare
  • Scrape dog shit off someone else’s shoes
  • Treat sleep like an optional resource
  • Spend hours devising increasingly complex ways to sneak greens into cheesy pasta
  • Panic and holler your child’s name across a department store the moment they’re obscured by a rack of knickers
  • Have all your radios tuned to Shit FM
  • Spend two-thirds of your life clearing up someone else’s crap
  • Pay a weekly fee to someone for whom you do everything, all the time
  • Love the little blighters more than life itself
  • Make grotesquely overblown and sentimental statements about how much you adore your children to prove you’re a good parent despite all the evidence to the contrary

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