They say you should never look a gift horse in the mouth but sometimes it would be preferable to ram your head up its ass rather than unwrap the thoughtless manure that’s coming your way this Christmas…
–Nothings says ‘you never cross my mind until my social or familial duties oblige me’ like personal hygiene products. If you ever receive soaps, lotions or ‘smellies’ of any kind you can be sure the giver has literally no idea who you are and has even less desire to find out. Either that or you stink. If the gift is expensively branded then you can be 100% certain it was purchased from the till-side displays at TK Maxx.
–If you were wondering whether you’re past your best or whether you’ve still got a bit of youthful allure left, you can stop wondering the second you peel back the wrapping paper to reveal slippers in any shape or form. It is now as certain as the heat death of the universe that you have all the magnetism of a garden gnome and will never have sex again. But at least your feet will be warm.
–The gift of alcohol is a direct invitation to loosen the fuck up. It means you’re a crushing bore sober and if you receive alcohol from more than one person in your life then their friendship is actually an act of charity and you should crack those bottles open pronto before they leg it.
–A food hamper is indicative that the person who bought it for you was not willing to expend a moment’s thought on you but was however, willing to mask their disdain and salve their conscience in this matter by throwing money at the problem. Unless of course, the hamper is a shoe box containing two Baby Bels and a smattering of Ritz crackers drowning in a stable’s worth of straw. In this case they do not value you at all.
–But what’s in this long, slender envelope? Could it be plane tickets to some exotic destination? Could you be going to lavish show? Nope. Your wacky sibling thinks it’ll be hilarious to get you an ‘experience’ and watch you soil yourself at 10,000 feet as you’re lobbed, sheet-white and crying, out of a tiny aeroplane while strapped to the back of a sweaty Australian. This is usually an act of revenge.
–Should you receive unsolicited socks then you can relax in the knowledge that people find you cosy and unthreatening. However, they also find you breathtakingly unremarkable and expect you to die within the year. In fact, most unsolicited sock gifts are late because they were bought in a last minute panic when someone reminded them you were still alive.
–Perfume means he’s run out of ideas but still, in a half-arsed kind of way, wants to appear romantic. If it’s the wrong one and it looks like it might have been a free sample from when he spent significantly more on something else in that range then it’s a sure sign he’s having an affair. Merry Christmas.