Penurious snowflakes had enough of this shit, decide to eat old people and kick start housing market
A millennial plot to farm grandparents for their meat has been uncovered by The Trashy’s investigative team.
A worldwide network of millennials had been preparing to round up baby boomers into cattle sheds, feed them grain and then slaughter them to provide much-needed cheap protein.
The groups had got as far as infiltrating retirement homes and had begun to convert the buildings around the residents.
“I did wonder what all the meat hooks were for,” said Nora Parker (89) from the Endadays Retirement Community.
The network was blown apart when one millennial got cold feet at the idea of sucking on his grandpa’s bones and blew the whistle.
“I just couldn’t go through with it,” said Timothy Munt from Bicester, “Grampy taught me how to ride my bike… and he doesn’t smell very appetising”.
Jake Lenister, the mastermind behind the plot, was unrepentant. “I’ve been vegan as long as I can remember… I love animals and won’t subjugate them for the sake of my palate, but I don’t think noshing down on a bit of stringy granny meat in any way contravenes my principles.”
Speaking from his prison cell, shared with an anxious looking older chap, Lenister explained with pathological calm how his plan would have saved the planet and fed the poor.
“I would’ve solved overpopulation, slashed greenhouse gas emissions from agriculture, alleviated stress on the healthcare system, provided cheap food for cash-strapped millennials and unblocked the housing market all in one stroke,” he explained.
Almost convinced, The Trashy licked an octogenarian on the bus on the way home and is writing this from a police station.
Lenister might be onto something but it will take some time before society catches up with his radical ideas, and it will have to acquire a taste for Spam and Old Spice.