Chirpy pocket survivalist Bear Grylls is in critical condition after attempting to endure a a night out in Hull
Affable nutjob Bear Grylls has traversed some of the most inhospitable places on Earth. He has conquered Everest, devoured raw snakes and endured Ben Stiller in a tent.
So when Bear was invited to a night out in Hull he did not flinch. But the unsuspecting Grylls was not prepared for the violent bonhomie, the sexually aggressive females or the biting North Sea winds.
“I found the locals’ behaviour hard to predict,” he explained from the intensive care ward. “I pride myself in being prepared — dib dib dib, dob dob dob — but I really had no idea that chap dancing naked on top of the chip van would launch himself at me.”
Grylls, keen not to appear the southern softy he has been running from his entire life, ignored his punctured lungs, went to another nine bars, downed 67 pints, and danced on tables to Right Said Fred before going for a ‘meal’.
The mere sight of the food made Grylls dry retch. “I’ve lived off my own faeces before now, but there was no way I was going anywhere near those scotch eggs,” he said.
“I learned that the northerner is immune to alcohol and impervious to sub-zero temperatures,” he said. “I could barely see but the rest of the pack seemed untouched, perhaps even a little more alert… I think most of them drove home.”
Grylls’ body finally began to give up in The Welly nightclub after a caterpillar competition ground what remained of his ribs to dust.
“I began to cough up blood, so thought I ought to get a little air, but when I went outside my eyeballs froze in my head and the bouncer wouldn’t let me back in.”
Bear staggered the streets for minutes until he found a discarded mattress. Ripping it open with his teeth he crawled inside for warmth. But soon this too lost its heat and Bear had to climb inside an unsuspecting Hull City fan instead.
When Grylls came to he was in the intensive care unit surrounded by polystyrene fast food containers and hand-cuffed to a dwarf called Debbie.
Grylls is expected to make a full physical recovery but the prognosis for his mental health is less clear. “He was mooned at 48 times over the eight hour period,” explained the doctor.
“I saw so many bottoms,” whispered Grylls through cracked lips, “so very many bottoms”.