The horror, the horror! The Trashy’s top five Halloween hacks

Recoil with horror at the fact Halloween’s come around yet again

1. Kids’ costumes

Should you get shafted by Amazon Prime and end up having to make your own costumes, The Trashy recommends you simply grab some red paint from the shed. Wrap your child in a shower curtain and flick the paint on it to make the shower scene from Psycho or smother them in grandma’s old nightie and lob paint over her head for an instant Carrie. Yes, these references are probably too old and too adult, but you can silence any complaints by threatening to make them watch the films.

2. ‘Sexy’ costumes

Unless you’re a necrophiliac, the undead are not supposed to be sexy. So why are there so many ‘sexy’ zombies and witches out there? And who finds flammable polyester outfits from Asda sexy anyway? Do us a favour and put it away.

3. Actually be scary

There’s nothing very scary about a 48 year old woman in a black catsuit and ears. Apart from the fact it’s a 48 year old woman in a black cat suit and ears. This year ditch the clichés and go as something properly scary. The Trashy suggests sexy hyperinflation, sexy populism or sexy unattended package.

4. Be tactful

Avoid controversy wherever possible. No sexy ISIS, sexy Donald Trumps or sexy Nazis. The Trashy shudders to remember the time it dressed up as a sexy AIDS virus in the late 80s. Not well received.

5. Treats

Pop to the butcher’s for a skip’s worth of offal and dump the steaming mass of entrails outside your front door, splashing blood liberally across the garden path. Then put your feet up and relax. You won’t be hassled by any trick-or-treaters this year or the next.

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