Noel Edmonds to negotiate Brexit

Multi-Coloured Swap Shop star wheeled out of retirement to play Brexit hard ball and get best deal for Britain

An increasingly desperate Theresa May has coaxed knitwear fancier and purveyor of empty red boxes, Noel Edmonds, out of retirement to save the UK from a cliff-edge Brexit.

Initially reticent, Edmonds agreed to take up the role on condition that May swap a pair of her leopard skin Louboutins for his Remington 200 beard trimmer.

The appointment of Edmonds, a giant of light entertainment, signals just how serious the government is in securing the best deal for Britain.

The European Commission’s chief sniggerer Jean-Claude Juncker and his pet executioner Michel Barnier reacted with alarm at the news.

“We are going to have to up our game,” they conceded. “Especially if the big pink and yellow blobby man is assisting him.” Later, the pair were relieved to learn that Boris Johnson would not be taking part in the negotiations.

The negotiating team supporting Edmonds comprises Maggie Philbin, Keith Chegwin and a mute banker that communicates exclusively via a black 1930s telephone.

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