‘I coulda been a contender’ muttered Alison Thripp from the cereals aisle in Sainsburys, ‘I coulda been somebody’.
Bog standard cog-in-the-wheel Alison Thripp was found sobbing inconsolably in Sainsburys after realising that she was unlikely to ever make a mark on the world.
The thought first occurred to Thripp when her pedalo was upturned by a 538 foot superyacht in Cornwall the day before.
After struggling back into the yellow plastic tub, Thripp found the tide had turned making it extremely difficult for her to get back to shore.
The superyacht moored nearby and it took Thripp a full hour, pedalling furiously, to get past the gleaming white hull while people in designer swimwear drank champagne above.
She reported feeling “small’ and also “thirsty” having finished her Ribena Light twenty minutes earlier.
Thripp reached the shore the following day and had to be treated for third degree burns, dehydration and a chaffed bottom.
The full weight of the meaninglessness of Thripp’s life hit later that day while she struggled to choose a cereal from the 73 on offer in the supermarket.
“It suddenly struck me that I might’ve died and that it wouldn’t matter if I did because I’m passing through life leaving no impression on the world, like a fleeting shadow,” she explained.
Slowly sinking to her knees by the Honey Nut Loops, Thripp realised that her legacy would be 9.7 tonnes of carbon emissions and one unremarkable child.
The supermarket staff were unable to rouse Thripp, who lay staring at the strip lights burbling incomprehensibly, and so called her friend, Sally Meat.
Meat arrived half an hour later and dragged Thripp through the supermarket by the ankles before rolling her out to the car.
Commenting on the incident later, Meat said: “Yeah, she’s done fuck all with her life really.”
Thripp told The Trashy that she plans to inject meaning into her existence by joining a book group, enrolling on a creative writing course and attempting to write a bestselling novel.