Woman outsources entire brain to iPhone

Thinking, breathing, homeostasis? There’s an app for that. 

A Liverpool woman has successfully outsourced all her brain functions to her iPhone7.

The idea came to Kylie Partridge (29) after she found that reliance on her iPhone’s to-do lists meant she no longer had any use for her short-term memory.

Partridge said she “couldn’t really be arsed” to try to remember things anymore and willingly let the neural pathways responsible for her recent memory shrivel and die.

Shortly afterwards, Partridge realised that most of her long-term memory was already uploaded to social media in the form of photographs and videos and that there was no longer any need to cast her mind back to remember things.

“It’s much easier this way,” she said, her left pupil dilating to fill her entire eye socket. “It’s fucking knackering to have to do all that backwards thinking on your own.”

Partridge went on to surrender her general knowledge and figuring-stuff-out skills to Google, her spatial awareness to AppleMaps, empathy to Instagram, communication skills to WhatsApp, and the remnants of her personality to FaceBook and Twitter.

McPartridge, waving at spoons and dribbling into her lap, said her lack of capacity for deep thought was “a frigging relief” and that finally Brexit and the election of Trump made perfect sense.



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