How to survive a group holiday (part two)

You’ve met the Covert Pervert, the Martyr and the Control Freak. Now shudder at the Garbo, the Foodie and the Clubber. 

Part one of The Trashy’s guide to surviving group holidays alerted you to the quirks and foibles of the Covert Pervert, the Control Freak, the Sloth and the Martyr among others.  But we’re sorry to say there are many more…

The Foodie: Only happy when sucking on the flesh of something that lived a short life of unspeakable suffering, the Foodie will waft from Michelin starred restaurant to ‘authentic street food’ shack pausing only to knead their gout-filled joints. Recognisable by the purple red wine ring on the inside of their lips and the aroma of things long dead, they can be found trying to fill the hole in their soul by jamming it with foie gras and Chateau Lafite.

SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t mention your predilection for Spam.

The Clubber: With perma-bouncing knees and white flecks in the corner of their mouths the Clubber will babble incessantly and try to recruit a companion to help them jog on the spot and punch the air in the nearest nightclub. If successful, the Clubber will become essentially nocturnal and will lose access to the areas of the brain that control emotion and logic. By the end of a week there will be wild and paranoid accusations followed by a long stretch of self-loathing and regret.

SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t sit next to the Clubber on the plane home.

The Garbo: Poor Garbo. They didn’t want to come on the holiday in the first place but were either coerced, bribed or succumbed to a fierce bout of FOMO. Usually found in a quiet corner studying the week-old newspaper from the aeroplane, the Garbo counts the days until they can get back home to their reassuring routines and stop having to engage in ‘fun’. Recognisable by a rictus grin and unconvincing bonhomie, the Garbo might be laughing along with the rest of the group but in truth they’re dying inside.

SURVIVAL TIP: Pretend you didn’t see the tears behind the Ray Bans.

The Proud Brit: All paunch and Union Jack shorts, the Proud Brit will not utter one word in the local language for the whole holiday and will only eat at cafes that display photographs of food on laminated menus. Usually to be found in the Red Lion English Pub, the Proud Brit will speak fondly of the Empire and will call all Italians Luigi, all Spanish Manuel and all French Marcel when reminding them, incorrectly, that “We used to own you”.

SURVIVAL TIP: Think hard about whether it’s a good idea to pay their bail.

The Seasoned Traveller: Dripping in disdain, the seasoned traveller has seen it all before, ten years ago, “before it was ruined”. Swathed inexplicably in a Palestinian Keffiyeh scarf, the Seasoned Traveller likes to regale the group with tales of high adventure so far from the beaten track that they nearly died from exposure and had to be airlifted to safety. Fond of saying “you have to lose yourself to find yourself” and prone to speaking in the click language they learned from Kalahari tribesfolk, the Seasoned Traveller will be least happy in a Hard Rock Cafe.

SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t ask them for advice on which Disney Resort to visit.

The Candyfloss: All fake tan, neon teeth and giant hairdo, the Candyfloss is ripped, stripped, plucked and shaved so hard that they’re smoother than putty. Self absorbed and bereft of personality as a result of spending so much time in the gym, the Candyfloss is the most likely to get laid, but the least likely to know which country they’re in.

SURVIVAL TIP: Compliment the Candyfloss on their appearance and you’ll have a new best friend forever.

Check out the Covert Pervert, the Control Freak and the Sloth in part one of The Trashy’s Guide to Surviving Group Holidays.

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