Society abhors unattractive women, so pretty up!
Cellulite like frozen chicken? Muffin tops billowing like dough? Muff like a tumbleweed? Buttocks that make you sad?
Well, it’s summer and for some it’s the chance to discard clothes and frolic Bambi-like among the dunes.
But for the rest of us — who forgot to spend the last six months sweating with Kayla because we plunged our faces into buckets of wine whenever a spare moment presented itself — it’s time for aggressive self-loathing.
But fear not, The Trashy’s on your side. We know you were too busy having a life to get to the gym, so here are our top tips for looking good on the beach without putting in any of the work.
- Draw a face on your tummy so it looks like you have a child on your lap when you sit down.
- Wear a scuba suit three sizes too small, whether you plan to dive or not, and remove only when limbs begin to turn blue.
- Wrap batwings around your arms like a tortilla and hold in place with rubber bands that match your skin colour.
- Lie down and cover any offending parts of your body with sand so the remaining silhouette looks hot. You will have to remain their until the beach is empty in order not to spoil the illusion. Do not attempt this too close to the waterline.
- Pull any loose skin or fat into a fleshy ponytail to make the rest of you look taut.
However, if you really do want to join the exercise bores but can’t seem to make the effort, then The Trashy recommends low self-esteem, it’s a great motivator.
Put any career, academic or family achievements to one side and examine your failings. Why don’t you look like Bella Hadid? Why are your thighs like baby manatees? Why haven’t you found time to exercise 14 hours a week? Why do you like bread?
It’s like top designer and notorious fatty-hater Keith Bitterfeld says: “No one wants to see Forrest Gump’s mother playing beach volleyball in a tiny Heidi Klein number.”