Resist the urge to dress up as a not-very-sexy-if-you’re-honest-with-yourself cat/witch/zombie this Halloween and go as something that will really put the willies up your neighbours (without actually putting willies up your neighbours):
Boris eats orphan, gains popularity in polls
Inveterate liar, turbo-shagger and weapons-grade buffoon Boris Johnson is said to be in a state of panic after repeated attempts to throw the election by demonstrating his utter unsuitably for high office failed.
Trashy’s guide to Brexit stockpiling
Gerbils, Pop Tarts and Ecstasy: The Trashy’s guide to Brexit stockpiling will see you through the Age of Stupid
Trashy’s Alternative Reviews: the classics, part one
Classics reviewed like what they oughtta. None of that smug lit crit shit.
Google algorithm sees into your soul
Google knows what you did last summer, why you did it and who you did it with.
Everybody having much better holiday than you
Everyone is having a much better holiday than you, social media confirmed today.
Climate change really fucking with holibobs
Heatwaves, flash floods and forest fires are putting a right downer on Brits abroad who asked merely for a bit of sun, sand and sangria and found themselves swept two thousand miles out to sea in their Vangos or poached alive in their Outwell 500s
Melania visits children’s hospice wearing ‘BOVVERED’ hat
Shameless narcissists still running world’s most powerful country
Amazon Alexa really fucking creepy
Legions of fuckwits have willingly installed the insidious tools of would-be despots into their homes, The Trashy has found.
Exotic family holiday sucks ass
Parents who thought they could take their children to far flung destinations to relive the exotic holidays of their youth were swiftly disabused of the notion yesterday.
Dad rocks slogan T-shirt
A dad has reported feeling more youthful and “up for it” simply by wearing a SuperDry slogan T-shirt.
UK strikes trade deal with Narnia
Brexiteers jubilant over deal to export sleighs to Narnia in return for importing animal ornaments and Turkish Delight
Another Valentines Day massacre
Your heart is a stone yet you have to emote desire for someone who you associate mainly with domestic drudgery and poorly wrapped fridge cheese
IKEA founder buried in Sneürg
Flatpack king’s final wish was to be minced into meatballs and buried in a Sneürg
EXCLUSIVE: Melania Trump is Russian spybot
Vladimir Putin had Melania made from melted down Barbies and state-of-the-art spyware and has been using her to control The Donald since 1998
Dry January bores make January even shittier
Crushing bores forego alcohol and ruin already very shitty January
How not to flunk a smear test
Feet together, knees apart, RELAX! Everyone loves a smear test but there’s an etiquette you need to follow if you want to avoid scarring the nurse for life…
Queen issues life-saving crown wearing advice
Awks! Turns out you’ve been wearing your diamond hat wrong all these years
You know you’re a parent when…
Not sure whether you’re a primary caregiver? There are a few tell-tale signs.
The Ten Commandments of New Year’s Eve
Are you having fun yet? You better bloody had be, it’s New Year’s Eve and it’s the law.
Christmas unwrapped: The Trashy decodes your crappy Christmas gifts
They say you should never look a gift horse in the mouth but sometimes it would be preferable to ram your head up its ass rather than unwrap the thoughtless manure that’s coming your way this Christmas…
Millennial plot to eat the elderly uncovered
Penurious snowflakes had enough of this shit, decide to eat old people and kick start housing market
‘It’s not a phase, your child’s a twat.’ Miss Ann Thrope solves your problems
You’re a fucked up bunch, so The Trashy has employed the services of an agony aunt to help you get a grip
Entire country loses its shit over snow
Frozen water drifts down from the sky causing a nation of simpletons to lose their tiny minds
The morning after the office Christmas party
You were tanked and everyone knows it, you can’t call in sick so you must ride out the world’s most…
Why you should NEVER attend an office Christmas party
Arriving at the office party is like waking up in Oz, a trippy, off-kilter place where everyone looks familiar, just a lot more disturbing and a lot less tolerable
Top 10 tips for surviving children’s birthday parties
Follow The Trashy’s top tips and keep the little suckers at arms-length during one of the most horrifying events in any parent’s calendar
Consensual sex ‘overrated’, says MP
Where’s the fun in that? Asks Barrington Quimsby-Naife, MP for Crutton-on-the-Hoof
Bear Grylls attempts to survive night out in Hull
Chirpy pocket survivalist Bear Grylls is in critical condition after attempting to endure a a night out in Hull
The horror, the horror! The Trashy’s top five Halloween hacks
Recoil with horror at the fact Halloween’s come around yet again
Surviving the dinner party from hell (part one: seating)
Where should you sit? Get it wrong and you’ll want to stick spoons through your eyes and into your brain
Noel Edmonds to negotiate Brexit
Multi-Coloured Swap Shop star wheeled out of retirement to play Brexit hard ball and get best deal for Britain
Dadspotting (part two)
Fun Daddy, DJ Dad, Doting Daddy, The Trashy’s dad taxonomy keeps on growing
Woman considers… boot camp
I just need someone to shout me fitter, thinks lazy woman
Woman considers… writing a novel
‘If JK Rowling can do it…’ thinks 85% of the population, 65% of the time, all the time
