Ever since some chump interfered with a pangolin in Wuhan, people have been learning to deal with isolation with varying degrees of success, depending on their mental fortitude, calibre of housemates and general level of fuckwittery. Many find themselves gracelessly shuttling between all isolation states, to the immense frustration of everyone they encounter. Here are just a few you may have the misfortune to meet:
The ultimate game of ‘Would You Rather’, the looming general election is about as welcome as finding Prince Andrew in a TopShop changing room or Ant ‘n’ Dec handing you a plate of hoop shaped snacks.
Resist the urge to dress up as a not-very-sexy-if-you’re-honest-with-yourself cat/witch/zombie this Halloween and go as something that will really put the willies up your neighbours (without actually putting willies up your neighbours):
Inveterate liar, turbo-shagger and weapons-grade buffoon Boris Johnson is said to be in a state of panic after repeated attempts to throw the election by demonstrating his utter unsuitably for high office failed.
Gerbils, Pop Tarts and Ecstasy: The Trashy’s guide to Brexit stockpiling will see you through the Age of Stupid
Classics reviewed like what they oughtta. None of that smug lit crit shit.
Google knows what you did last summer, why you did it and who you did it with.
Everyone is having a much better holiday than you, social media confirmed today.
Heatwaves, flash floods and forest fires are putting a right downer on Brits abroad who asked merely for a bit of sun, sand and sangria and found themselves swept two thousand miles out to sea in their Vangos or poached alive in their Outwell 500s
Shameless narcissists still running world’s most powerful country
Legions of fuckwits have willingly installed the insidious tools of would-be despots into their homes, The Trashy has found.
Parents who thought they could take their children to far flung destinations to relive the exotic holidays of their youth were swiftly disabused of the notion yesterday.
A dad has reported feeling more youthful and “up for it” simply by wearing a SuperDry slogan T-shirt.
Brexiteers jubilant over deal to export sleighs to Narnia in return for importing animal ornaments and Turkish Delight
Your heart is a stone yet you have to emote desire for someone who you associate mainly with domestic drudgery and poorly wrapped fridge cheese
Flatpack king’s final wish was to be minced into meatballs and buried in a Sneürg
Vladimir Putin had Melania made from melted down Barbies and state-of-the-art spyware and has been using her to control The Donald since 1998
Crushing bores forego alcohol and ruin already very shitty January
Feet together, knees apart, RELAX! Everyone loves a smear test but there’s an etiquette you need to follow if you want to avoid scarring the nurse for life…
Awks! Turns out you’ve been wearing your diamond hat wrong all these years
Not sure whether you’re a primary caregiver? There are a few tell-tale signs.
Are you having fun yet? You better bloody had be, it’s New Year’s Eve and it’s the law.
They say you should never look a gift horse in the mouth but sometimes it would be preferable to ram your head up its ass rather than unwrap the thoughtless manure that’s coming your way this Christmas…
Penurious snowflakes had enough of this shit, decide to eat old people and kick start housing market
You’re a fucked up bunch, so The Trashy has employed the services of an agony aunt to help you get a grip
Frozen water drifts down from the sky causing a nation of simpletons to lose their tiny minds
You were tanked and everyone knows it, you can’t call in sick so you must ride out the world’s most…
Arriving at the office party is like waking up in Oz, a trippy, off-kilter place where everyone looks familiar, just a lot more disturbing and a lot less tolerable
Follow The Trashy’s top tips and keep the little suckers at arms-length during one of the most horrifying events in any parent’s calendar
Where’s the fun in that? Asks Barrington Quimsby-Naife, MP for Crutton-on-the-Hoof
Chirpy pocket survivalist Bear Grylls is in critical condition after attempting to endure a a night out in Hull
Recoil with horror at the fact Halloween’s come around yet again
Where should you sit? Get it wrong and you’ll want to stick spoons through your eyes and into your brain
Multi-Coloured Swap Shop star wheeled out of retirement to play Brexit hard ball and get best deal for Britain
Fun Daddy, DJ Dad, Doting Daddy, The Trashy’s dad taxonomy keeps on growing